Reality Shattered the Bliss of Slumber

I awoke only two hours after going to sleep.
I was in a daze, unable to see clearly what was around me.
I was deeply longing to see the face of my Love, to caress it.
I sat up with cloudy vision and saw before me a face.

My longing and my half-conscious state schemed together.
My eyes saw the face of my Love, and I so longed to reach out.
My hand moved before me to simply run my fingers down her calm cheek.
My sudden awareness and instant recoil at the moment of reaction was intense.

He, my roommate, startled awake at the instant following the touch.
He seemed dazed, unable to discern what could have caused his break in slumber.
He lay back peacefully to resume while I hid in my covers below.
He was not my Love, so my longing was fully unfulfilled.

I look forward to the time when I can see her serene face.
My fingers will run along her soft skin and I will be able to then caress her face.
He will not interfere with my expression of Love, for
She will be the one before my eyes receiving my touch and responding in reciprocal love.

Unbeknownst to them

No one seemed to notice;
They just drove along with the traffic
That they always accompanied.
Two cars among the many drove in separate lanes,
Only a few car lengths apart.
They were lovers saying adieu,
Driving in similar yet vastly different directions.

I wonder how many others,
Among the thousands of cars that I see,
Are also lovers separated by the windows
Of their cars and the little air between.
I wonder how many others
Have just said adieu and ask themselves the question:
"Does anyone know what pain and loss
We are experiencing at this moment?"

Yet I also wonder how many,
Among the thousands of cars that I see,
Are lovers coming one to the other,
Joining again after a long bitter time apart.
I look forward to again being among that number soon.

Clouds of Loneliness Dissipating ...

Two nights ago, I experienced a new look at my friends who also undertook a new list of actions with various words to accompany them, all of which seemed to contradict my previous view of them and of their character. They swore, smoked, drank, and spoke of inappropriate things that did not benefit anyone, but, rather, such words harmed others and seemed to rebel against what Christians ought to do. Perhaps they are spiteful or jealous/convicted by the lives of Christians who live "according to the rules," or perhaps they are simply fools, forsaking reason and holding onto folly because of the occasion and the constant encouragement of their foolish peers.

The following night, I remember sharing my reflections upon that night over dinner with my family, and my questioning and worrisome conclusions: who would be at or in my wedding if so many of those whom I had called friends have chosen to throw away as rubbish the things they once held dear? With whom would I want to spend such an important event and could any of these possibly be included among that crowd? I felt alone, as though all those who were near to me in distance were strangers to me or worse, except for my family: my brother and mom affirmed my sentiments and the stupidity of my Sonoma County "friends."

This morning, I continued to struggle with the events of that first night and what I wanted to proclaim to these people. As I worked for hours, I rehearsed conversations or bits of them in my head, still unsure if my words would reap any effects among these people who mocked righteous living. After completing a large amount of solitary work, I felt as though my concerns were put into perspective as I saw the bridegroom and his groomsmen walking around the house talking with one another and with my family, preparing to leave for the church, and playing games. The attitude of that night seemed to have washed away significantly, and what remained was the friends that I knew and had befriended years ago. Such conflict as may have been was lessened by the preparations for the reception and then for our cleaning us ourselves in order to go to the church.

Luke and Jill were together for the majority of the time, and so I waited until most of the main events of the wedding reception had taken place, but as I approached Ted, Luke, and Jill, I realized that Luke and Jill were saying their goodbye for the evening. I had lost my opportunity once again to speak with my friend about my concerns, yet I still asked for a few minutes' word with Luke, and so Luke agreed because he saw the need I non-verbally expressed in the request. Jill went to get the keys and Luke's jacket and go to the car. Luke and I talked and talked, and although his position is not my own and although I could not persuade him of the risks that I superficially knew such an activity increased (superficial due to my limited knowledge and exposure to knowledge and/or experience), I was assured of my friend's deliberate actions to investigate the effects of his actions, to weigh the costs to himself and to others, to recognize the concerns of myself and the feelings of those who may be indirected affected by his choices on this matter, and to weigh the reasons that he did and did not have for taking part in this. My concerns, as he well knows, are not silenced, but I honor his right to choose for himself, and I respect his concern for me and for others who are harmed or stumbled by his choice (against their wishes). My talk with him about this led to discussion of the actions and particularly the attitude of the others at the bachelor party as we searched for his jacket without knowing that Jill had taken it with her. After some time, I escorted him to his car, being continually reassured of his intelligence (though I question this one choice, and will continue to question him about it) and of his character as the friend that I have known for so long. Although I disagreed with him on this matter, I felt as though the loneliness for even one good friend here was answered in Luke.

For myself, I know that I have no reason or justification to smoke or to participate in the kinds of speech and behavior that surrounded many of my friends on Thursday night. I stand firmly with my Love in finding it a detestable act. However, it wore on me as I wanted to discuss the great lifting of a weight off my shoulder today because of his foolish choice. I saw his concern for me and his calculating look at me as I explained my position, and knew that despite this decision, his attitude and his desire for an intelligent freedom (as he described the attitude that he missed from Bible College) helped to remove the feelings of isolation and replace them with a renewed friendship. It was this that I wished to share about today with my Love, and the inability to do so saddened me to silence. For to share my struggles and my joy with my Love strengthens my joy and allows me to connect my life with the one who is physically but not emotionally distant: my heart and soul reach out to touch her and share my life with her.

Des Accomplissements d'une Taupe

Aujourd'hui, j'ai travaillé dur un peu avec la terre: j'ai creusé (avec des pelles) des trous et des fosses pour mettre dans la terre la canalisation du p.v.c. pour un système d'extinction automatique ... And approximately half of those words were new vocabulary to me so I will translate and continue on in English :)

Today, I worked hard with the earth a little: I dug (with some shovels) some holes and some trenches in order to put in the ground PVC piping for our new sprinkler system. I worked my back a lot seeing so many things that needed to be done and not wishing to leave them undone. The hard manual labor felt good despite the havoc it must have wreaked upon my back. Three main things I did: digging the ditches for the irrigation pipes, uncovering the round around a valve box and removing all the dirt that had been held within as well as creating space for a second box to be placed right next to the first, and attaching the sprinkler heads onto the piping that was laid down and glued together (this last part was considerably more involved than the others).

I enjoyed each job, although my favorite was removing the dirt that surrounded the valve box because it reminded me of my favorite task in helping with the construction of my remodeled house last summer: digging 3 foot by 3 foot by 18 inch deep holes underneath the floors of my house and acting like a mole in a sense. At that time I had two trowels and a bucket to dig the dirt and hoist it up to a wheelbarrow that was situated nearby. This time I did not use a trowel, but I used a square shovel and two differently sized trenching shovels as well as my gloved hands. The reason that these two tasks were my favorite of the two jobs was that both were something that no one else would take the time to do quite as thoroughly, while I would spend a lot of time (perhaps too much) to make sure that the finished product truly impressed my overseers (then, John and the other foul-mouthed builders and their boss Chris Rhodes; this time, Mark the irrigation specialist and family friend and my dad).

I also enjoyed working with my bare hands after a while and getting a layer of mud covering them and drying into natural gloves (that couldn't protect you from anything). Overall, I enjoyed the hard labor, but two things continually called for me to end my working: my back (and the laziness that used it as an excuse to end even when it may not harm me to go on) and my deep desire to speak with my girl, especially when she texted me while my hands were covered with mud and dirt and I was unable to stop because the time of stopping seemed so close that I wanted to just push on. Now I am tired and sore, but content in the work that I accomplished for my father, and in the time I spent with Kevin afterwards. I now await my sweet for a word from her lips...

Remember, Remember the Dream that will Challenge ...

Off to a summer camp I went, yet unlike any other. I've been there before yet nothing like this ever happened last time. The first peculiar thing about this camp is the setting, because unlike most camps in which you go out into the woods to a site that had been set up with a cafeteria, cabins, a pool, a field for sports, and all the "essentials for summer camp," this camp was completely outside that box. Instead of staying in cabins in a forest with 6 - 8 people of your same gender, we stayed on a large ship with what seemed like a miniature city of one-story condos or apartments with 6 - 8 beds in each place: therefore, the living situations remain the same, but the outside is completely different, and there was an occasional second story simply for looking out of the window because it was too small for an actual room. The buildings reminded me of Gleanings for the Hungry's dorm rooms with metal roofing and all of the buildings surrounding a specific open area that had chain-linked fences in between the buildings if there was a break between them.

The sleeping occurred in these dorms, whereas the majority of the campers went ashore on boats that followed a very strict schedule, leaving sometimes around 7:00 or 7:30 in the morning and returning around 15:00 or 16:00 (3:00pm or 4:00pm), so that if you chose to spend your day on the island, then you had to set your alarm for a very early time. It was mostly assumed that people would go ashore because that's where the cafeteria was located. The boats may have gone at a couple other times, but the crucial time for breakfast was the early time.

If you were single, then you would typically stay in one of the dorms with between 3 and 7 other people, and I had a top bunk. I have four friends worth mentioning because they play such an important part at this camp: Chris & Sarah Odell, Kimberly Taylor, and Albert Hung. Chris & Sarah were housed in their own dorm-like room, which had six beds bunkbed style and organized in a U shape. I do not know where Albert stayed but I imagine with his wife and kids in a similar building. Kimberly, though I never saw it, stayed in a room similar to mine but with girls.

In the morning after the first day at camp, some of my friends and I chose for the first time (since last year we had always gone ashore) to stay on board until sometime later in the day perhaps. Come my alarm I awoke slowly and now wishing to respond to the annoying sound that broke my slumber, but I did and I explored the top level of the ship for some time, which had roofed areas (with no walls, just supports) for shade as you walked from the edge of the ship into the city. At some point I found my Love, and it was such a joyous time that we simply held each other closely to ourselves feeling the difference in body heat as her body heat transferred to me and mine to her while our backs were subject to the cool winds that one would find on the deck of a ship. And every so often I would kiss her where my face rested against her soft neck, several little pecks to let her know my love for her, and after a while she would reciprocate those pecks. We held each other for what seemed like half an hour--definitely not long enough!

She then left to do something on the ship and I went wandering again. I came into the open space in the middle of the buildings which had a cloth covering it so that the sun would not burn those sitting amongst the chairs and tables, who ate snacks and played games and talked like all youths within the junior high to college range. I remember walking towards a fence that was leaning a little because it was actually a gate, but locked. And as I approached it, I heard the voice of a friend that I did not see say something like "She's making you do reckless things; the more time you spend with her the less you seem to care about the rules and how you break them," but of course he said it much more pithily than I can replicate, yet all of that was in the meaning of what he said. And I remember denouncing what he said, then trying to find a way to get under the fence, but it had ropes tying it down to the ground perhaps so that people like me could not squeeze underneath.

So giving up on "under", it sufficed for me to find the "over" and there was a break in the extra wires similar to those rows of barbed wire that top a chain-linked fence, and as I crawled up through the break, a little car--the ones that the camp security drives, little electric cars that remind me of the ones on APU, but bigger so that more people could fit inside-- drove by on the little road between the city and a few other buildings, and the girls in the backseat saw me and the guy kept driving but looked as though he was finding a good place to turn around. Now I was in trouble, so what do I do when caught? Make sure that I'm uncaught--I flee!

So I climbed from the top of the fence onto the rooftop and ran from rooftop to rooftop looking down below to see what the security people were doing. I came to a place where there was a small second story and I got on top of that and because of the the precarious location of it, it looked as though I would fall off the roof down to the road that surrounded this building cluster where the security car had stopped, and they were beckoning me to not jump and not be so reckless. As I crawled up and went back the way I came, someone had come out of the window to meet me--Chris Odell. He gave me his hand and we talked for some time there and then walked back to his room talking the whole way.

I wish that I had a tape-recorder in order to record our conversation, because it was so edifying to me. He told me that something he and Sarah do in order to help their faith to grow is to list the things that God has done for them and just verbally affirm them. It was so good, and there was more to it, but I just cannot recall anymore. I do remember though that he said Albert Hung was teaching that night at a Bible study so after going back to my room I thought about going, but didn't really want to.

Then at evening Albert came out and spoke loudly among the dorm rooms to let them know that he was going to start the Bible study, but I noticed that nobody responded. Everyone else had thought the same way I did perhaps, and seeing that he had no one to teach, I went to him and joined him. We walked back to a dorm room and began the Bible study and it was so good again. It was affirming everything about which I had spoken with Chris, and it encouraged me to continue in the things that pleased God. AGAIN, I wish so much that I could remember all the things that Albert shared that night.

Then Sarah came in and got up onto the top bunks of the U-shaped arrangement of beds, and I realized that we were in their room. Chris then came in too, talked with us for a little while and then went up to join Sarah in sitting on top of the beds with a huge blanket covering them while they looked down on us to hear more of what we were saying.

That is the majority of my remembrance, and it is not so strong as I would like, because otherwise I may know better how to seek God, but I am glad to be able to remember as much as I did, and to write it down so that at some point when I re-read my "memories" of this camp, it will challenge me to seek God in the way that I already know: to read His Word, to come to Him in prayer: affirming who He is and what He has done in my life, and requesting of Him on behalf of my beloved family and friends and beautiful young lady (la belle demoiselle).

Overcast skies

As I walk out the front door into a chilly evening, I see that the light of day is still there, yet fainter, softer, behind the veil of an overcast sky. I see the clouds covering the entire sky, and I am reminded of the reaction many have to such weather. I am also reminded of the symbols that may be seen in such a cloud, for some even omens.

Yet in the symbol of trouble that would cause confusion or worry, I see something entirely different. I have always loved the clouds and welcomed their presence in the sky, and thus I see different symbols and omens. I see beauty in the clouds, how one cloud covers another but not entirely so that there is beauty in the orchestration of the many clouds, so that the many clouds are revealed as wondrous together. I see hope in the clouds, for with clouds often comes rain, and I love the rain -- a symbol of destruction or misery for some, but for others life. I see greater hope in the great number of clouds that surround, knowing that He in whom and that for which I hope will not fail, but rather use the numbers of clouds to a greater glorious end.

Keep hope alive, my dearest friend. Hold on to faith despite the numerous clouds, and deliverance from them will come (though He seems distant, though He seems to wait past the point of endurance, though the evidence strikes at your hope). Allow His hands to offer you help (even when His hands are working through the physical hands of another).

La Plage: En Compagnie mais Tout Seul

Comme je marchait derrière les autres le long de la plage, je me suis rendu compte que j'étais la cinquième roue du carrosse parce qu'il y avait deux couples devant moi en se tenant par la main. A ce moment-là, j'avais besoin de compagnie puisque ma belle petite amie était loin de moi et elle me manque sévèrement. J'ai appelé mes amis, Nate Chamberlain et Jason Soares ainsi que Morgan Lynch, et on marchait ensemble.

Pendant qu'on marchait, je pensait à ma belle demoiselle et donc je parlait d'elle à Morgan. Je lui avais déjà montré une photo de m'amie et elle avait dit qu'elle et moi vont bien ensemble et qu'elle était belle, et puis, comme on marchait le long de la plage, je lui parlait d'elle avec joie. La seule chose que je pouvais faire était parler de m'amour.

Nous avons fait un feu et Kevin et moi ont brûlé les hot dogs et les tranches de pain au levain au feu et on les ai mangés avec une sauce moutarde.

Beaucoup choses d'autres s'est passées, mais je veux écrire que je me suis senti vraiment tout seul parce qu'elle n'était avec moi. Et en plus, il n'y avait pas de réception alors je ne pouvais pas lui téléphoner quoique je voulait si beaucoup et si fréquemment (chaque minute). Je voulais marcher avec elle le long de la plage et voir le coucher du soleil, la belle lune et sa lumière qui miroitait sur les eaux de l'océan, et les étoiles qui couvraient le ciel de la nuit. Et en plus, mes amis allaient y rester pour longtemps mais je voulais parler avec m'amour alors j'ai demandé à Nate s'il pouvait rentrer à Windsor avec moi et mon frère.

Et pendant qu'il conduisait, j'ai préparé un texto (text message) pour envoyer aussitôt que je pourrais. Quand mon téléphone cellulaire a finalement eu de réception, j'ai reçu trois messages vocales et en les écoutant je suis devenu douloureux parce qu'il était tard et je n'ai pas voulu la réveiller mais j'ai voulu parler avec elle et lui dire "passe une bonne nuit, m'amour!"

J'espère et je prie à Dieu qu'elle dormira bien cette nuit-ci et qu'elle reconnaîtra l'amour que Dieu et moi ont envers elle.

Réflexion sur le 16 juin 2007

A life together began today, a life together for a (44-year) duration was celebrated today, a life together in different parts of the state begins tonight.

My nose is running & salty water pours down my face from my lamps and I try to remember the last time such sadness manifested itself in this manner and I remember youth group on the Friday before leaving for APU. Kevin's face was covered in tears, breathing was exaggerated and unsteady, his face turned red with every moment holding another burst of tears welling up to blur vision.

Why could I not understand this move until the moment before I leave, then I could have cried for hours in her arms. Now I cry in the arms of my chair in the Odyssey as my mom takes me back into her life. Restaurant Lane & Duarte High School scream memories with my one true love--the only one with whom I would choose to share my life.

The sky is beautiful & clear, hues of whitened blue, of yellow, of orange & of pink as the sun sets on the day following our most romantive date above the trees & lights. I cannot even bow my nose as I burst into another state of tears welling up. The only thing keeping me from crying without stop or end is the concentration on words placed into a definite place in eternity: words that will last in my heart as I remember leaving the One I hope to never Leave.

Les cours d'eau et de larmes

Une fois, il y eut un petit cours d'eau qui câcha pendant le jour et qui courut au-dessous le ciel de nuit en miroitant à la lumière de la lune. Et ce petit cours d'eau apporta de l'allégresse immense à une belle demoiselle quand elle le traversa, mettant un pied sur la seule pierre et sautant un peu sur la terre avec l'autre pied. Et quand elle eut rencontré un certain garçon de vingt-et-un ans, elle lui montra ce petit cours d'eau avec une grande joie.

La belle demoiselle et son ami traversèrent souvent ce petit cours d'eau ensemble et la main dans la main, mais seulement pendant la nuit parce que le petit cours d'eau disparut au lever du soleil. Néanmoins, il y eut des personnes qui conspirèrent pour que ce petit cours d'eau et les rues et les palmiers qui l'avoisinèrent soient abattus.

La belle demoiselle et son ami eurent peur que leur petit cours d'eau mourrait bientôt. Sa mort ne vint pas pour longtemps et ils oublièrent sa mort imminent. Mais une nuit, le garçon quitta la maison de la belle demoiselle et il regarda le beau ciel et les étoiles. Et pendant qu'il descendait la rue, il marcha envers le petit cours d'eau. Quand il y vint, il jeta les yeux sur la terre et il aperçut les débris de ce qui eurent été l'allée de pierre près du petit cours d'eau. Les débris furent jeté dans le petit cours d'eau qui était mort pendant le jour quand il fut câché.

Le garçon marcha chez lui avec une touche de tristesse, en se demandant s'il dut parler immédiatement à la belle demoiselle de la mort du petit cours d'eau. Avec une autre touche de tristesse, il pensa aux cours d'eau qui furent à venir: les larmes qui suivront son départ d'Azusa - les larmes qui couvreront les visages de la belle demoiselle et de lui-même. Mais il pensa aussi à un autre jour où ils partageraient beaucoup plus d'aventures et où ils passeraient le temps ensemble en traversant un autre petit cours d'eau.

Obsédant

Il y a deux choses qui me hante depuis hier:
La première est ce qu'elle m'a dit du ton spécifique
De ma voix qui la renverse.
Depuis qu'elle m'en a parlé,
La pensée d'utiliser ce ton me tourmente toujours
Et elle ne cesse pas de me le faire.
Si je l'utilise maintes et maintes fois et
Si je ne reconnais pas que je le fais, quoi donc?

La deuxième est une chose très sérieuse
Parce qu'elle concerne ce qui m'énerve tout l'après-midi
Mais aussi ce que dont je n'ai rien parlé.
Je pensais que les démons m'attaquaient
Parce qu'il m'a paru que j'étais attaqué.
Je le dis parce que presque toutes les actions
Et presque tous les mots
Qu'elle a dit m'ont énervé;
Et il n'y a pas de raison pour cela.
Ce qu'elle faisait n'aurait pas dû m'énerver.

J'ai prié à Dieu de me relâcher de mes tourmenteurs
Et bientôt j'étais encore content d'être avec m'amie
De m'amuser parce que j'étais en sa présence.
Donc, je remercie mon Dieu, l'Éternel,
Et je Le loue et L'exalte au-dessus moi-même
Et au-dessus toute la terre et tous les cieux!

Ce qui m'a hanté d'avance me hante encore,
Mais je reconnais que mon Dieu a le pouvoir sur mes tourmenteurs
Et qu'ils ne signifient rien en comparaison de Lui et de m'amie.

Déception

Je marchait au-dessous la lune parfaite et le ciel tranquille
Quand je me suis rendu compte de l'étendue de ma déception
Et ma tristesse subséquente.
J'avais espéré tellement sur cette nuit-ci mais je suis rentré
Sans l'accomplissement de mon espérance.
D'ailleurs, la nuit dernière ne m'avait pas apporté l'accomplissement
De mon espérance, mais la lune n'était pas parfaite à ce temps-là,
And therefore, my hope grew
And, instead of being let down in the least,
It was all put upon tonight.

J'avais mis mon espérance sur une nuit fugace
Et je ne l'avais pas mis sur l'Éternel, mon Dieu,
Et voilà la raison pour ma déception.
I knew that we could place hope upon the temporal things,
And yet I forgot that such hope should not be absolute,
Because in the time of disappointment, that disappointment
Reaches so deeply into our hearts.

C'est vrai que la nuit était "parfaite" au sens temporel,
Mais il n'y a qu'Un qu'on peut appeler parfait, et donc,
Il n'y a que cette personne à qui on peut placer son espérance,
Et si on place son espérance à lui,
Elle deviendra une espérance vivante!
Donc je fixe mon regard sur lui et j'oublierai ma faux espérance
Et lui prierai de me donner un coeur pur
Et de me montrer l'espérance vivante.

C'est très tard, alors je vais me coucher.
Passe une bonne nuit, tout le monde.

Celle que j'aime

C'est pour ma petite amie que j'ai créé ce blog
Elle m'avait demandé d'écrire par bloguer et voici mon blog
Si tu te demandais: "Qui est-elle?",
Je te répondrais qu'elle est un cadeau donné par l'Éternel
Et que je l'aime plus que toutes les autres personnes sauf Christ.
Aussi, c'est elle que je me sers avec l'allégresse et
C'est avec elle que je passe le plus temps et
Que je m'amuse de parler le plus.

Pendant que je me prépare pour me coucher,
J'écris cette écriture et je pense d'elle
Le sommeil m'avale maintenant
Et donc c'est la fin de mon premier blog!
Passe une bonne nuit, tout le monde!