Clouds of Loneliness Dissipating ...

Two nights ago, I experienced a new look at my friends who also undertook a new list of actions with various words to accompany them, all of which seemed to contradict my previous view of them and of their character. They swore, smoked, drank, and spoke of inappropriate things that did not benefit anyone, but, rather, such words harmed others and seemed to rebel against what Christians ought to do. Perhaps they are spiteful or jealous/convicted by the lives of Christians who live "according to the rules," or perhaps they are simply fools, forsaking reason and holding onto folly because of the occasion and the constant encouragement of their foolish peers.

The following night, I remember sharing my reflections upon that night over dinner with my family, and my questioning and worrisome conclusions: who would be at or in my wedding if so many of those whom I had called friends have chosen to throw away as rubbish the things they once held dear? With whom would I want to spend such an important event and could any of these possibly be included among that crowd? I felt alone, as though all those who were near to me in distance were strangers to me or worse, except for my family: my brother and mom affirmed my sentiments and the stupidity of my Sonoma County "friends."

This morning, I continued to struggle with the events of that first night and what I wanted to proclaim to these people. As I worked for hours, I rehearsed conversations or bits of them in my head, still unsure if my words would reap any effects among these people who mocked righteous living. After completing a large amount of solitary work, I felt as though my concerns were put into perspective as I saw the bridegroom and his groomsmen walking around the house talking with one another and with my family, preparing to leave for the church, and playing games. The attitude of that night seemed to have washed away significantly, and what remained was the friends that I knew and had befriended years ago. Such conflict as may have been was lessened by the preparations for the reception and then for our cleaning us ourselves in order to go to the church.

Luke and Jill were together for the majority of the time, and so I waited until most of the main events of the wedding reception had taken place, but as I approached Ted, Luke, and Jill, I realized that Luke and Jill were saying their goodbye for the evening. I had lost my opportunity once again to speak with my friend about my concerns, yet I still asked for a few minutes' word with Luke, and so Luke agreed because he saw the need I non-verbally expressed in the request. Jill went to get the keys and Luke's jacket and go to the car. Luke and I talked and talked, and although his position is not my own and although I could not persuade him of the risks that I superficially knew such an activity increased (superficial due to my limited knowledge and exposure to knowledge and/or experience), I was assured of my friend's deliberate actions to investigate the effects of his actions, to weigh the costs to himself and to others, to recognize the concerns of myself and the feelings of those who may be indirected affected by his choices on this matter, and to weigh the reasons that he did and did not have for taking part in this. My concerns, as he well knows, are not silenced, but I honor his right to choose for himself, and I respect his concern for me and for others who are harmed or stumbled by his choice (against their wishes). My talk with him about this led to discussion of the actions and particularly the attitude of the others at the bachelor party as we searched for his jacket without knowing that Jill had taken it with her. After some time, I escorted him to his car, being continually reassured of his intelligence (though I question this one choice, and will continue to question him about it) and of his character as the friend that I have known for so long. Although I disagreed with him on this matter, I felt as though the loneliness for even one good friend here was answered in Luke.

For myself, I know that I have no reason or justification to smoke or to participate in the kinds of speech and behavior that surrounded many of my friends on Thursday night. I stand firmly with my Love in finding it a detestable act. However, it wore on me as I wanted to discuss the great lifting of a weight off my shoulder today because of his foolish choice. I saw his concern for me and his calculating look at me as I explained my position, and knew that despite this decision, his attitude and his desire for an intelligent freedom (as he described the attitude that he missed from Bible College) helped to remove the feelings of isolation and replace them with a renewed friendship. It was this that I wished to share about today with my Love, and the inability to do so saddened me to silence. For to share my struggles and my joy with my Love strengthens my joy and allows me to connect my life with the one who is physically but not emotionally distant: my heart and soul reach out to touch her and share my life with her.